I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
