I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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