i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
