Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
