Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
