So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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