he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.