This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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