My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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