My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
