I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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