im six kinds of drunk right now
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
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