did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
