do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
