he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
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it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
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You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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