After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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