I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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