Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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