Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
