She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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