I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
