I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
