Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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