i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
