I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
