Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
