im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize