well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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