He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
