i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
