i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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