i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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