life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
