We won't sleep together?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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