I'm eating all of the evidence.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
