don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
