I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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