So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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