I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
