I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
