When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize