i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
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