is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
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He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
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Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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