so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He passed out mid-signature
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
