M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
