it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
