i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
