wrigley field is MILF paradise
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
