they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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