you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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