I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
