I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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