When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
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For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
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When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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